Communication: It sets us apart?
Dr Jean Millar
Whilst reading a book leant to me by my daughter, I was reminded yet again how much successful communication means to each and everyone of us, and our health.
I have been struck how often a patient will say to me that some one close to them will “not talk”.
This does not mean that the person in question is silent. It means that he/she does not express any of their deeper feelings, and therefore blocks out chances for closeness, and clearer understanding of their ideas and needs. This can leave their “nearest & dearest” totally in the dark, and unaware that there are deep troubles in the relationship.
If someone is innocently unaware of a problem, there is no chance for them to try and change the situation.
At other times it is not lack of communication that causes the trouble, but the manner of the communication.
How many times has your “blood boiled”, or you have been certain that your “blood pressure has shot through the roof” or your stomach has “churned” because of something someone has said, or the look someone has given you? Probably no one is exempt from reacting to the careless or angry words of another person.
This may all seem a far cry from general medical practice.
However, every time I take a blood pressure that is raised, and then gradually that blood pressure is lowered back to normal by gentle relaxation techniques, I realize how much our internal responses are affecting our health.
If you are young and healthy sudden episodes of rage in response to provocation may have little or no immediate bad effects. A much older person with a cardiac irregularity and high blood pressure may be precipitated into a stroke state by negative communications.
People who constantly “bite back” their words in an attempt to placate others or keep a good image are equally likely to suffer from ills caused by the sheer tension of “keeping it all bottled up”.
The difficulty is that we all have to survive somehow with one another.
Achieving good communication is a tremendous challenge.
Each and every week patients walk into the doctors’ surgeries all over the world with tension headaches, abdominal pains, dizziness, irritable bowels and various other [real] physical problems that may well not exist if their environments at work or at home were more congenial.
Many of the tensions arise from miscommunication, sometimes deliberate, but more often than not, totally automatic and unrecognized.
When an incident occurs and there are witnesses interviewed, the core of the story may remain essentially the same, but often the slant of the information will vary quite considerably from person to person. This does not necessarily mean that anyone is lying, but may simply represent the way in which the individuals remember information. This kind of difference can cause great tensions in a situation where two people are continually at odds with one another over remembered issues [especially of a negative nature].
If you consider that some of the tensions you experience may be due to poor communication and you want to try and “fix” this, there are several ways to approach the problem,
Try imagining what it is like to be the person you are addressing. How do you think you would like to be spoken to [and with] if you were that person.
Are they very “visual” and think mainly in terms of what they can see? For example, if you were to say the word “cat” are they likely to “see” a cat in their mind’s eye? Some folk respond by “hearing” a “meoow”, others by “feeling” the soft fur, yet others by “thinking” of how expensive the vet bills might be.
These responses to a single word are all automatic, but make quite a difference to the information the individual receives. Try to observe how people close to you receive information and use words appropriate to their style. You may be surprised to discover how much more responsive people may become.
There maybe subjects that always are guaranteed to end with an argument and are therefore avoided. Maybe this is the way to deal with these areas, or it maybe a way to build deep hidden resentments. If you suspect the latter is true, try standing away from the problem like a stranger and then approach the subject from a completely different angle the next time it crops up. Explain that you really want to understand and solve the difficulty, and mean what you say.
If you are afraid of certain reactions to difficult subjects, you may be irritable or overly defensive each time that topic arises. The other person involved maybe getting angry just because you are afraid.
Give a little thought to how you behave in difficult circumstances and imagine how another person may have handled it more successfully. Try out your ideas the next time. You may get a very pleasant surprise.
Of course, these types of approaches all assume that there is goodwill between the communicators and that they truly care about finding common ground and understanding.
If you feel that you are always being “misunderstood”, or that “no one understands you” or are always on the end of repetitive arguments, or are burying endless resentments, you are storing up negative stresses.
Negative stresses are thought to affect health in physical ways. It is worth seeking help.
The book that I was reading is called: “The Curious Incident of The Dog in The Night-Time” by Mark Haddon, and gives a marvellous insight into communicating with a young lad who suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome. This is a form of autism, and the book serves to underline how much we take our communication skills for granted.
January 2011